Samantha Renee, Rape Survivor Who Miscarried

Samantha Renee — a rape survivor who mourns the loss of her baby due to miscarriage.

While staying with extended family, I was raped December 28, 2009, four days after my seventeenth birthday by a guy I’d met that evening. I’d left my home in July of ’09 until January 2010 because of my home situation — being emotionally/verbally abused by my mother, with some past physical abuse in the home as well. I was never allowed to do anything or go anywhere – not even to church. I’d also taken on the responsibility of raising my sister since my mom was a meth addict for the better part of my life. Childhood for me was rough with different guys in and out of my life — a particular one was very abusive in almost every way. It was all just too much for me to handle.

I’d told the guy who raped me that I didn’t want to have sex because I was waiting until marriage. In fact, I hadn’t even kissed my boyfriend yet because I was saving myself. I’m pretty sure he may have drugged me too. The rest is kind of blocked out. I remember being in pain and looking at the ceiling. The whole time “this” was going on I couldn’t do anything to stop him as if I were paralyzed, I was terrified and in shock. After it was over he held my hand, walked me to my door, and kissed me goodnight. He said, “I’ll look forward to coming to see you.” Thankfully, I never saw him again after that.

As soon as I got inside and shut the door I started bawling uncontrollably. I thought that it was my fault, that I said or did something that made him think that’s what I wanted. I totally was in denial of what had just happened to me. After hours of crying and going over what had happened in my head, I finally admitted to myself that I was raped. I felt so gross and immediately went and washed myself off. I felt disgusted with myself for letting it happen and went over all the what ifs — What if I hadn’t ran away? What if I hadn’t talked to him?, etc.

The following day, I tried to hide the way I was feeling, but my boyfriend knew that something was up. I finally cracked and told him. After much contemplation, I decided to tell the people I was staying with what had happened. They were very pushy and persistent with me taking the “Morning After Pill”, but I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I might have killed my baby!! I chose not to report my rape because going to the police would have meant being sent home to my mother. Nevertheless, I decided to go home 16 days after this happened because I wasn’t getting any support and things weren’t going well.

Then when I didn’t have my period for 3 months, I thought for sure I was pregnant. I have always been pro-life and I am very educated on the subject. But as it turns out, I am not pregnant. When I found out I wasn’t pregnant, I was devastated! It makes me very sad to think about the miscarriage. I wanted to be SOO much because I knew that having a baby would give me something to live for and would bring good out of a horrible thing. It would’ve also helped me to heal. I literally only hung on for the first few months after my rape because I thought I was pregnant or I know I would have killed myself!

It took me 6 months to report my rape. When I landed myself in the hospital for an overdose, I knew I had to tell someone. Now that I have reported it and told my mom about this, I feel so much better! It was a HUGE burden to carry without any support!

Please, learn from my mistakes. Always be aware of your surroundings and really think about what you are doing. Never be alone with a guy you don’t know even if he seems “cool”. If you have been raped, you need to report it right away so that they can catch the guy who hurt you! Waiting just makes things way harder! I wish that I would have reported mine that night. Know that you can overcome this — it WILL get easier. Hang in there. You are a survivor!!

~ Samantha Renee
miss.samantha.renee@hotmail.com
helpforlife.synthasite.com